The Year of Chaos

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"2012 is the Year of Chaos".

I heard this statement a few months ago and regardless of whether or not it is true, I immediately adopted it as my personal mantra. In a strange way it gave me comfort... to give any sort of meaning to the events of this year, even if the meaning was 'chaos' gave me a sense of security and an odd feeling of peace.

It has been several moons since I left this blog space. At first I meant to drop in and post something quick. Then I semi-drafted posts in my head. Then I began to agonise that I hadn't posted in so long..... Then I gave up. There just simply hasn't been space in my head or room in my heart to write, edit photos, or share anything worth anything.

image by ashley meneely

2012 began in the middle of a wave of stress for my little family. Chaos  had started its foolish games late last autumn and January saw us already in the throws of extended family worry, a house move and me in the first trimester of my fourth pregnancy, suffering morning sickness worse than I have ever experienced.

And then, just when we thought we were carrying all the stress we could manage, one of the saddest things that could happen - happened. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I packed up my children when I heard her prognosis, left my sleepy English village, and travelled across the world with my three little children and my growing baby bump to go home to Alaska. It had been three years since I had seen my mother and I spent ten heartbreaking days by her side before she left us. She died three weeks after her diagnosis.

Four months after my mother's death my children and I came home. Home to England. When I walked off the plane and into Heathrow Airport I nearly sobbed. I hadn't seen my husband in weeks, I was eight months pregnant, and I was so, so tired. 

I have been home for nearly three months now and in these weeks we have been gifted with Life's most beautiful gift.

Juliet Ivy. Born just after lunch time on the 16th of August.

I gave birth at home, my fourth birth at home, with my husband and our beloved midwife by my side. Birth is healing.  A new little life brings such joy. My heart is peaceful.

If this year has taught me anything, it is that sometimes we have to surrender - let go of control and just hold on to those things that are most precious to us. 

and grasp onto joy when ever we can.... 

There will always be dark seasons in our lives but we can find healing in nature, in the energy of children and the love we nurture for each other. 

I am settled now, after a long year away from this space. Thank you for visiting me here. I am happy to be back!